25 September 2012

It's been a while.

Well helll-oo (Mrs. Doubtfire-whipped-cream-on-face voice). It's been a little while since I remembered that I have a healthy blog. I have so many things I can blame, but ultimately it comes down to everything (how post modern of me).

In short, grad school is killing me, rotting my insides, killing my soul. I've hated every moment of it, from registering for classes to actually sitting in classes. Everything grad school touches is contaminated as well, like a refrigerator with rotting vegetables, everything in the rest of the fridge will slowly spoil. Grad school, as I have discovered, is not going to be the answer to my problems and questions, it's not putting my career goals into focus or narrowing down what I want to do. It's not really doing much but making my skin break out and my anxiety grow and my boyfriend and I be constantly at each other's throats.

So what's my plan? Why don't I quit? Why don't I move back home to the beach and start over? These are valid questions, ones that keep me up late at night, beyond the hours spent reading fiction stories and poetry collections for fiction workshop and writing articles for my stressful editing and publishing job. What do I do? My plans aren't going as planned. I want to move home and lose weight and sit by the ocean until it gives me the answers. I want to stop spending money I don't have and get a job that pays more than $8.85 an hour. I want to stop wondering what's going to happen, if my boyfriend and I will be able to make it work from long distance if I do move home. I want to know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to stop searching Twitter and Facebook for answers. I want to look deep within and find the answer.

I want focus. I want clarity. I want answers. I want white light. I want tea instead of coffee. I want my old skinny body. I want my friends.

Is it okay to start over? To admit all of this to you all when I haven't quite admitted this to myself? I close my eyes sometimes and let myself imagine all the amazing possibilities of what I can be--I let my mind wander and I let myself play out every scenario of what I could be--and I come up blank. I don't even imagine what I could be anymore, I don't have dreams. Grad school has ruined it all, turned it to mush. I need to quit, I need to run, to get back on my feet and stop living in the toxicity. I need so much right now and I'm breaking apart into a million pieces and I'm scared I've used all my lives and all my chances for people to help me and no one will be here any more to help me get together.

What a downer post. Maybe things will get better. Maybe they aren't half as bad as they could be. Maybe they're worse. What's happening? What's happened?

With a whimper,
Namaste

1 comment :

  1. The answer is always in front of us. You end with namaste. (I bow to you) ( The light within me acknowledges the light within you.) Find the light within you, or rekindle it. It is still there below all the doubt and uncertainty....
    spage8 Scott

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