19 January 2013

On Becoming a Golden Buddha.

I've been staring at clear trash bags full of clothes that don't fit me right now for three days and not done one thing to move them from my parents' garage. 

You will notice a few changes to the look and feel of my blog! I guess you can say the changes to my blog reflect the changes to my mind, body, and soul. I moved back in officially--like, no more going back and forth between LA and Chico to retrieve my things or go to school--to my parents' house. Their garage is full of boxes of my stuff--well, actually it's bags of my clothes that don't fit me right now--which is pretty much everything except my lululemon yoga pants and some oversized sweatshirts. I spent the last four days emptying out my childhood bedroom in my parents' home, scrubbing the mold and mildew out of my closet, and throwing shit away. Shelves are empty! Things are organized for once in my life! But it's all temporary, because apparently the agreement I made with my parents for moving back into their home wasn't to pay rent but just to get my shit out of the garage and somehow fit it all in my bedroom. So I've been thinking very seriously about downsizing and folding and donating--but not actually doing it.

I'm sure this all sounds familiar, you're probably having some sort of deja vu-like experience (assuming you're even reading this at all) from last year at this time. Last year at this time I was blogging about the exact same shit--being moved back in with my parents, trying to lose weight. Well, same problems, but a different mindset. Last year I was chasing love, I was madly and desperately in love with my boyfriend and the only thing I could think about was getting a job near him. Well, I'm still madly in love, and you'll call me crazy when I tell you this, but I actually just moved 500 miles away from him, quitting my job, dropping out of grad school, and moving my unemployed, overweight self back in with my parents. I sound insane, and I totally am. But I also just made a decision that I want to be healthy and not feel trapped by a small college town, a master's program I hated every minute of, and a lifestyle that was (literally) killing me. I was so depressed that I didn't have an aim, that I was just plugging through my days waiting for sleep.

Something I'm learning I have to have with myself now that I'm all tabula rasa is that patience everything. I have 30 pounds to lose, and I have to constantly remind myself that walking for two hours  everyday isn't going to have instant results. Calories don't scream and snap crackle and pop as they are being burned (although they really should), and the changes aren't going to show right away. But already, deep inside me, I am scraping away at myself.

I read this incredible story last night and I have to share, because I feel it best illustrates what I'm going through. So in 1957, a monastery in Thailand was being relocated, and a group of monks were in charge of moving this giant clay Buddha to the new location. While they were moving it, one of the monks noticed a crack on its surface, and not wanting to damage the Buddha, they decided to wait until the next day before continuing. One of the monks went to the Buddha to assess the damage later in the evening, and when he shone his flashlight over the crack in the Buddha, something shiny caught his eye. He got out a hammer and chisel and began chipping away at the Buddha. As he knocked off the clay, the Buddha got brighter and brighter, and when the monk was done, he looked up in amazement. A solid-gold Buddha stood before him. After investigating it, they believe that the Buddha had been covered with clay by Thai monks hundreds of years before, before an attack by the Burmese army. The monks wanted to protect the priceless Buddha. All the monks were killed, so no one knew that the solid-gold Buddha was, in fact, buried beneath all this clay.

First of all, how incredible is that story? And secondly, this is how I currently see myself: covered in clay. I am slowly chiseling away the damage and dirt, the insanity and the misery, the confusion and sadness--the thirty pounds and cellulite. I don't want to stay buried for hundreds of years, though. I will someday be the golden Buddha.

Anyway, lots of posts about oatmeal and unemployment are coming. Stay tuned.
Namaste.

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